The Bachelorette Blog - "We've been through a lot of bad things, you threw rocks at my face!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with a Group Date that consisted of a bunch of muscle bound guys who'd never participated in any type of athletics playing dodgeball against each other.

That caused Michael G. to say, "It's only a matter of time before the ambulance arrives and someone has a broken face."

Sure enough, Brooks managed to hurt his finger, which ultimately caused him to pass out and be taken to the hospital via the Bachelor's very own Medevac helicopter.

Brooks got hurt during the dodgeball game, causing Dez to ask, "Is that a penis on your finger, or are you just happy to see me?"

Brad pulled Desiree aside at the cocktail party after the game to confess that not only did he have a three-year-old kid, but that his ex had him arrested for domestic violence just two years earlier (of course, if you listen to Brad it was all HER fault).

Pleased with his confession, and apparently hoping that Dez really did grow up in a domestic violence filled trailer park, Brad almost seemed to consider his confession as a positive.

"I think I opened up as much as I possibly could, and I would love a Rose."

Kind of like a zombie returning from the dead, or at least a soccer player, Brooks miraculously returned from the hospital still dressed up in his dodgeball outfit.

Keep in mind that Brooks ended up leaving the dodge ball game to go to the hospital for a broken finger...Unfortunately, due to some unforseen complications and Obamacare, Brooks didn't make it.

Despite Brooks' semi-heroic return, it was Chris who earned the Group Date rose for not only standing out in dodgeball, but for finding a secluded rooftop that he took Dez to as a romantic gesture.

Ironically, while that rooftop had a helicopter landing pad, the "Batch-Copter" never arrived.

After the Group Date, Chris Harrison called Dez with some absolutely unbelievable news...Apparently one of her suitors had a girlfriend, which left Dez, the house, and all of America in shock.

And with the douche-bag lottery weighted heavily towards steroid guys who wear pink shirts, it was Brian, the cross-eyed financial planner from Baltimore who uses steroids and wears pink shirts with his sleeves rolled up to distinguish himself who ended up winning.

No, my this is not distortion from my camera, and it's not the latest member of Russell Hantz's family to appear on a reality TV show. It's Brian, the first disproportionate dwarf to appear an a dating show since Midget Mac was on VH-1's I Love New York 2.

And as Dez quizzed him to promote her new hit single "For The Right Reasons," Brian remained in denial. That is, until his current ex-girlfriend Stephanie came storming in.

And as soon as his girlfriend Stephanie walked in, Brian made the "Oh Shit" face, indicating that he knew he had been busted.

And while Chris Harrison then spent the next 5 minutes trying to get Stephanie to shut up as she read her script flawlessly while ripping into Brian, she did make a convincing case to appear on the next installment of The Bachelor Pad.

Not only did Brian's Klingon girlfriend Stephanie reveal that Brian lied to her about coming onto The Bachelorette, but that they slept together in the final days before he left to come on the show under the pretext that it was just a business trip.

Trying to scramble to stay on the show, Brian made a last ditched attempt to try and downplay their relationship.

"We've been through a lot of bad things, you threw rocks at my face," which actually explains a lot...Like why Brian seemed unable to open his left eye.

Ultimately, things ended poorly for Brian, with Desiree telling him that there was no fucking way she was going to let him stay on the show...Mainly because her brother would have liked him way too much.

Brian's departure was almost too much for a sexually confused Brandon to handle. "I've had a lot of men come into my life...and I've fallen in love with them, and they're just gone, and that really sucked."

Brandon may have had a hard time dealing with Brian leaving the show...But at least we know that ex-child stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were able to reproduce together before they both tragically died.

Going on a 1-on-1 Date with a girl immediately after she busted a contestant on The Bachelorette has to be akin to going on second date with a girl who's on the rag, which Kasey can now attest to.

And while Dez tried to impress Kasey by taking him to the infamous Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood to get a prostitute and clean windows, it was clear that her heart wasn't in the date.

The highlight of the evening was when Dez declared "I think I peed my pants" as they were doing something called "bandalooping" on the side of a skyscraper...Kegels Dez, Kegels!

Dez concluded the evening by planning a beautiful pool side dinner even though a cold and windy storm moving him.

Fortunately, Dez saved their wind interrupted dinner by convincing Kasey to jump in the pool with her...Which was much warmer than moving indoors or getting into the hot tub.

Realizing she was getting back to dating a little too quickly after Brian broke her heart, Dez at least she gave Kasey a Rose for his troubles and being a trooper even though her mind wasn't into it.

Trying to keep up with all of the cross-promotions being utilized by the crappy new Superman movie, the crappy new Lone Ranger movie sponsored a western themed Group Date.

Dez's guys all had to ride a horse, re-enact a good old fashioned fight scene, and rescue the girl.

And that caused Dan to promptly split his pants. 

Unlike Dan, Don Pablo got a Rose for practically oozing machismo.

After the date, super roidy "Juice Crew" member James guilted Dez into giving him a Rose by telling her that his dad was dying of pancreatic cancer, and asking her to give him reason to stick around.

With Dez ditching the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party and opting for a pool party instead, this season's villain Ben stole Dez as she arrived and took her on a drive.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but unlike the guys on the show, I don't see Ben as much of a villain at all. In fact, he even let Dez do the driving, unlike my ex-father in law...Or Ryan Bowers from Emily Maynard's season. 

Desiree Hartsock: Finally, a Bachelorette without fake boobs.

And while Ben tried to keep his little detour with Dez a secret, Michael saw the two of them arrive back at the party together.

He later took issue with Ben when he heard him tell someone that he hadn't got spend any time with Dez at the party yet.

Ben responded by saying, "It's called The Bachelorette for a reason, it's not called 'Let's make friends,'" although he made sure to do so when Michael and his tattoo were nowhere to be seen.

Michael's upper bicep tattoo is a Native American tribal symbol for "Giant Douche."

Brandon Corey Haim-Feldman told Dez that he had a secret to tell her, but ended up trying to kiss her as she leaned in, which clearly made her uncomfortable, although he was a little to love struck to pick up on it.

That lead to his demise at the Rose Ceremony, where he went home along with Dan, who's dreams split just like his pants. 

Of course, Brandon was caught completely off guard, causing him to ask, "Why'd you do this?"

When Dez chased him down to specifically tell him that she didn't feel any chemistry with him, Brandon broke down.

"Once again, someone left me," which was actually only a half truth, as most of those guys had simply left his slutty mom, and not him. 

Sadly, the episode concluded with Brandon saying, "I can 't even cry, I'm just all out of tears," even though he managed to do so anyway.

The Bachelorette Blog - "Just kiss me already!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with 20 plus white dudes with slicked back dark hair wearing ridiculously tight American Apparel t-shirts and pastel colored shorts.

Of course, they were all talking about how everyone else was a douche bag, not realizing that they were all essentially one in the same.

Brooks, the greasy haired marketing consultant from Salt Lake City who may or may not really be Ben or Constantine, received the coveted first 1-on-1 Date. 

Their date consisted of Dez disclosing her not-so secret desire to get married, although she cleverly disguised it as a passion for "designing wedding dresses" so as to not alert Brooks that her biological clock is ticking.

Fortunately, Brooks is either gay or a virgin, so he didn't get freaked out by Desiree's red-flag wedding fetish.

In fact, Brooks even reciprocated by dressing up as a Leprechaun. 

Dez then proceeded to take Brooks to the famous "Hollywood" sign to see exactly where Brenda lost her virginity to Dylan on Beverly Hills 90210 to get him in the mood.

When that didn't get Brooks in the mood, they then ventured into what seemed to be a shady neighborhood where Dez claimed to get lost, which caused Brooks to nearly shit himself.

As it turns out, The Bachelorette's producers were simply working their magic yet again, and somehow managed to block off an entire inner city bridge for a romantic dinner in the middle of the road.

Brooks went on to reveal that he has daddy issues stemming from his parents getting divorced, which helped him get a rose for being vulnerable and explain his haircut.

It's pretty clear that Brooks was the classic case of the guy who was band dork in high school who tried re-branding himself in college by simply growing his hair out.

Their night concluded with some crappy singer who gave them a private concert. Brooks then decided to show off what an awful dancer he was, making me question whether or not he was ever really even gay at all.

Back at the mansion Chris complained, "I've yet to get a date card, and I'm really hoping to hear my name on that."

Of course, with the first 1-on-1 Date not even over yet Chris was hardly being slighted...At least not until Dez actually did leave him off of the Group Date card.

The Group Date started with 14 dudes, a mansion and several luxury cars.

And after Soulja Boy and his posse of street wise dance choreographers sold out in order to try and expand their fan base to 50-year-old post menopausal women, a bunch of white dudes with overly bleached grills made their way in to that mansion make a rap video.

Their video was a parody about all of the guys who went on The Bachelorette for all of the wrong reasons, in a catchy song they aptly called "Right Reasons."

The personalities that they made fun of included meat heads, country music singers, dudes with girlfriends, and some guy who didn't wear any pants...Who as it turns out, was the only one that I was able to relate to.

That lead to one of the worst hip-hop recordings in the history of the world...And I only say "one of the worst" because some idiot went and signed Pitbull to an extension of his record deal.

After Ben stole Dez for some extra alone time, Mikey began to turn on him.

And while Mikey initiated an awkward conversation with Ben to try and call him out, it ended even more awkwardly with Ben telling Mikey, "I like your shoes too man."

With none of his suits fitting him, Mikey T. needed a compliment on the way he was dressed...Either that, or he needed Dez to keep the tailor/magician around for at least a second episode.

That left Mikey nodding and smiling with his arm around Ben, not realizing that he just had his successfully had his ego stroked by Ben to avoid the confrontation.

Sure enough, Ben got Group Date Rose to go along with First Impression Rose, which left Mikey T. pissed and Ben joking, "I might have to sleep with one eye open tonight."

The second 1-on-1 date went to Bryden, which was a "Road trip" up the California coast.
Dez indicated that she took Bryden on that date because makes her laugh like little kid, and she wasn't just talking about his really bad haircut from Cookie Cutters.

Bryden revealed to Dez that he had been involved in a really bad accident...Which he just happened to bring pictures of along with him on their trip to the spa!

That caused Desiree to give a Rose to Bryden for opening up.

Dez then took Bryden into the hot tub where he romantically recapped their date by saying things like, "This is so much fun..Its been nice."

Luckily for Bryden, Dez is a whore, as she finally got sick of his rambling and interjected, "Just kiss me already!"

Michael G. finally got some time alone with Dez to tell her that he's Type I diabetic, which is basically a medical reason to have to take steroids...and the only thing that makes Mikey T. more jealous than Ben.

Dez countered by confessing that she was not exactly perfect or 100% natural herself.

Don't worry guys, Desiree Hartsock's hair extensions might be fake, but her boobs appear to be real...Cleavage mole and all!

And just as Michael G. thought he was making progress with Dez, he was rudely interrupted by (Guess who) Ben! "That's interesting, the guy with the rose over here is stealing you away."

Apparently Ben felt the need to cut in because he had a major secret with Dez...That she's a great kisser (Tee-Hee!).

That caused the steroid guys, a/k/a "The Juice Crew," to confront Ben for "swooping in" even after he had already been given a Rose.

Michael G., the Prosecutor from Miami, proved that he did poorly on his LSAT by completely overreacting.

"He thinks he's so mature, but the example he's setting for his son is, a), when you mistake you should lie about it." 

Brian from Baltimore, the "Juice Crew" member with bad lips, a lisp, and a left eye that always stays shut because it's smooshed between his forehead and nose, made a proactive effort to tell Dez that he really had broken up with his girlfriend two months earlier.

Brian from The Bachelorette really wanted to make sure that Desiree Hartsock knew that he had broken up with his girlfriend...Hmmm.

The Final Rose of the evening went to Brandon, because he's the only guy in America to ever overcome growing up without a dad.

Those going home included Will, the banker from Chicago, partly because he kept calling Dez Athena, but mostly because he's black.

Also going home were Robert, the professional sign spinner from every furniture store that's going out of business, and Nick M., the only balding white dude from Charlotte, NC who hasn't fucked Emily Maynard.

The Bachelorette Blog - "Will you accept these abs?"

This season's Bachelorette is Desiree Hartsock, who's no Emily Maynard.

Don't get me wrong, Desiree's still a white trash, she's just not not white trash and a gold-digging redneck like Emily was.

Desiree is best known for getting dumped by Sean Lowe on the last season of The Bachelor on her hometown date in Houston after her brother escaped from jail just to try to reclaim her heart as his own.

This season began at The Bachelorette mansion in Malibu, or as the people here in Kentucky erroneously spelled the street I used to work on, "Malabu." You know, because it's Kentucky.

Desiree began the episode by shakily trying to drive a manual transmission baby-blue Bentley convertible to what appeared to be a flea market.

That was the perfect forum for Desiree Hartsock to sport her new high end "Daisy Dukes," a blue bra, and a straw cowboy hat on camera to announce that she's now a star...Just like Brett Michaels, Jillian Michaels, and anyone else on reality TV who never had a dad.

After about seven "Cinderella" references, Desiree was asked to describe what she was looking for in a man.

"From my past relationships I know that I do need someone who can communicate to me how they feel...I just love companionship, I love cuddling...but when I do fall in love, I fall head over heals."

And that proved that Desiree is in fact a woman...Unlike Brittney Griner.

Unfortunately, with her family's white trash reality TV show on hold due to her brother getting thrown back in "county," we were left only to meet the men competing for Desiree's heart on this season of The Bachelorette.

As usual, this year's contestants showed off all of the worst qualities that males as a gender have to offer.

For example, this year we have dudes who would willingly trade I.Q. points for abdominal muscles, closet rapists from the south (literally), and guys who play soccer.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette.

First Impressions (not an exclusive list, but here are the contestants who stood out):

Bryden - Bryden claims to have joined the Army and served in Iraq after breaking up with his his high school girlfriend, which was just another way of saying that he wasn't smart enough to get into college.

Zak W. - Zak W. is involved in some kind of gas or oil drilling in Texas, where he lives in the middle of nowhere and spends the better part of his free time doing crunches, drinking coffee, and sitting naked on his deck with a small piece of black cardboard Super-Glued to his junk.

Notice how the black paper covering Zak W.'s dink doesn't extend downward very far...

Zak W. is also this year's winner of the 9th Annual Bachelorette Douche Bag o' the Year Award as the guy who thinks that everyone who wants to see him shirtless.

In fact, he was narcissistic enough to ask Desiree, "Will you accept these abs?

When Zak W. got out of the limo without his shirt on, it was kind of like Phoebe Cates getting out of the pool topless in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...Only without anybody wanting to masturbate. 

Will - The overly energetic banker from Chicago, who doubles as a "Slaps-Me-Five-Machine" as he walks down the street and feels obligated to speak to every random person he passes, whether they wanted to talk with him or not.

As Will met Desiree for the first time he for some reason gave her the nickname Athena, and asked her to give him a nickname back in return...She ended up going with "Token Black Guy."

Jonathan - A lawyer from North Carolina, Jonathan spent the entire first evening trying to con Desiree into some sort of closet that he made up to look like a creepy make-shift "Fantasy Suite" where he not so secretly hoped to rape her.

And like most lawyers and Southern frat boys, Jonathan didn't know how to take no as an answer.

Even after Dez not so politely declined his initial offer, he came back with not just one, but two more attempts to push her into his "Little Shop of Roofies."

With her sexual assault whistle blaring before the Rose Ceremony even began, Desiree sent Jonathan back home to North Carolina.

And while Jonathan was fine with re-registering as a sexual offender, he didn't seem to understand what he did wrong.

"She doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite, I don't understand what went wrong with her. I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I'm pretty fun, my mom thinks I'm pretty good looking, and my love tank  has not been depleted for years."

While I'm hoping that Jonathan's "love tank" isn't a reference to what I think it is, I am pretty giddy that he made reference to it in the same thought in which he mentioned that his mom thought he was "pretty good looking."

And while many will probably conclude that Jonathan was simply hamming it up and playing some sort of character, Jonathan across as a pretty accurate representation of most of the guys who present themselves as "Southern gentlemen."

Nick R. - A tailor/magician from Chicago, or perhaps a magical tailor. Nick R. turned the first Cocktail Party into his own little magic show when he promised the guys and Desiree a trick, only to reveal that he was merely going to make her disappear with him for five minutes.

Unfortunately, Nick R. turned out to me more like Chris Angel and less like David Blaine, and the only rose he got to hold was the one he pulled out of his sleeve to give to Dez as he got out of the limo to greet her.

Larry - An ER doctor from Berkley, CA, Larry spent the entire first evening trying to apologize to Dez for trying to dip her and accidentally ripping her dress when he first got out of the limo, not realizing that it was his creepy stare that made her feel uncomfortable.

While Larry seemed out of touch with...well, women in general, he actually seemed like a pretty funny guy that ABC probably needed to prod Dez into keeping around for banter around the house.

For example, he had the guys busting out laughing when he said, "I think of everybody here, with the exception of Fantasy Suite Man, I'm kind of #2 in line...At least I'm glad that guy's here.

And while Larry was denied a rose and sent home, he did seem to take an interest in Nick R., the magician.

In fact, when Nick R. revealed that his magical illusion was that he was simply going to make Dez disappear with him, Larry yelled out, "You're the worst magician ever!"

He then went on to complain not about Nick taking Dez away, but about missing out on the illusion he had been promised. "I was disappointed, I actually wanted to see a magic trick."

Juan Pablo - Desiree had an immediate physical connection to Juan Pablo, even though we are yet to confirm whether or not he is able to speak English, which may or may not cause the Tea Party to boycott this season's episodes.

Unfortunately, when Juan Pablo, a former pro soccer player tried to teach Desiree Hartsock the game, she bumped into him and he fell to the ground writhing in pain, causing two random dudes with a stretcher to carry him off camera before he miraculously sprinted back for the Rose Ceremony.

Robert - Robert calls himself an advertising engineer from L.A., and claims to have invented the sign spinning industry.

And that's just a fancy way of saying that Robert works at Little Caesar's Pizza, but doesn't have a drivers license.

Brandon - Brandon is one of this year's sob stories, claiming that he lost his father at an early age, and that his alcoholic mother was forced to raise him...Kind of like the male version Emily Maynard and her bastard kid, lil' Ricki Bobby.

Apparently trying to tell Desiree of how much their family's had in common, Brandon gave her his mother's sobriety coin, which apparently means that his mom's allowed to go on a bender in the event that Dez ultimately dumps him and winds up keeping the coin.

And given that Brandon arrived at the show not via limousine, but on a douchey motorcycle, consider me on team "Dump him"

Ben - Unlike Emily Maynard, who jammed her retarded little kids face in front of the camera every chance she got, but then tried to claim that she was trying to protect her privacy, Ben made no attempt to hide that he was pimping out his four-year-old son, Brody.

In fact, Ben even sent him out of the limo first to greet Dez with a flower. And while it was the kid was adorable, Dez bit and gave Ben the first Rose of the evening.

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "Where was I? Oh yeah. We're not going home."

The episode began with Dawn sobbing and missing several teeth after Brandon Hantz realized that she was a woman and returned to the show to complete his circle of domestic violence and punched her in the face.

In actuality, Dawn simply opened her horse fish mouth and lost her dentures while diving in the ocean.

Dawn Meehan and her dentures.

Fortunately, Dawn's fake teeth had been bleached so white that Brenda was able to quickly locate them by diving into the water near where she said she had lost them, which is amazing considering that my ex-wife lost a pair of Oakleys at a small lake in shallow water.

In response to Brenda's pearl finding dive Dawn declared, "I will not turn my back on her." Of course, running short on denture cream may or may not be the best reason to form an alliance.

Then again, Dawn is the same person who sold out Cochran and Malcolm when they tried to make game changing moves just so she could solidify her position as the last person in an alliance of many.

Polygamygrip: For Mormons with dentures, like Dawn Meehan.

The Reward Challenge involved two randomly drawn teams digging for bags full of puzzle pieces in a mud pit, and then shooting balls into a basket the fastest.

The team consisting of the guys, Cochran and Dawn ended up winning and a reward consisting of a feast of BBQ chicken and beef...And when I say BBQ, I mean the verb, not the noun.

That caused the calorically challenged Cochran to quip, "Apparently protein is important in one's diet."

Always one to be socially unaware, Phillip ignored the shower they were provided and immediately jumped in the pool naked, which caused a "Pigpen" like cloud to surround him in the water.

Even after winning a feast, Dawn continued to lose her shit, making Phillip and his alliance consider voting her back to Utah.

Or as Cochran said, "We had one who flew over the coo coos's nest this season, Brandon Hantz, he's gone...It seems like, you know, there's another hummingbird zipping over the coo coos nest, and her name's Dawn."

Fortunately for Dawn, she got a good night's sleep and pulled her act together just in time, and the "Stealth r' Us" alliance decided to split their votes between Malcolm and Reynold to play it safe in case either one of them had an Immunity Idol.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of racing across a platform, and then diving and swimming back under that platform to retrieve two rings the fastest.

Feeling safe, Phillip elected to sit the Immunity Challenge out. When questioned by Jeff Probst Phillip tried to make it seem as if he wasn't just being cocky.

"As a boy I had an incident in the water, and I just feel really uncomfortable with this challenge," which was just his way of saying that he was black.

While Eddie seemed to win his heat, he whiffed when it came to putting his ring on the post before prematurely ejaculating into the water, which gave Brenda a spot in the finals along with Malcolm, Reynold and Andrea.

After Reynold won he declared, "I have mad respect for all of you."

However, he went on to call Phillip out for his decision to abstain from the Immunity Challenge.

"I have no respect for Phillip. I think it's sacrilegious to not even participate in an Immunity Challenge, especially if you have lions and guerrillas tattooed all over your body."

Of course, Phillip didn't think it mattered since his alliance had a 7-3 advantage on paper and Malcolm didn't have an Immunity Idol.

In reality, not only did Malcolm have an Immunity Idol, but he also found the newest one put back into play after he conned Reynold into giving him his at last week's Tribal Council.

Erik shows his affection by grooming his prospective mate...The Hantz clan shows their affection through domestic violence and flinging their feces into the bean pot.

Phillip, Dawn and company arrived at Tribal Council confident that they were in control of the game, not realizing that Malcolm, Reynold and Eddie held not one, not two, but three Idols amongst themselves.

And that's when Malcolm decided to shit in Phillip's Easter basket...

"This is supposed to be a game, so we figured we'd do something about it, and tonight we're going to try to. So this is the other Immunity Idol I've been hanging onto, I'm going to give it to Eddie. I've had that one for a while, I just found the other one today."

Having been fucked over last week due to a play of the Idol, Michael's face at Tribal Council was absolutely priceless when Malcolm unveiled his plan.

With the realization that Reynold, Malcolm and Eddie each would have Immunity Idols to play and no time to discuss which of their own to vote out, Jeff Probst commented on how everyone looked like they were beginning to turn on each other.

That caused Eddie to quip, "Except for the 3 amigos," while Malcolm to cockily interjected, "Where was I? Oh yeah. We're not going home."

Malcolm went on to lobby against Phillip when it came to the "Stealth r' Us" vote.

"Phillip is the fun sponge, he sucks it all out of the group...This is all a game. It does not have to be this militaristic thing where we're all in basic training."

Even with his own alliance in jeopardy, afficianado de SURVIVOR Cochran seemed absolutely giddy about what was happening at Tribal Council.

"Whatever happens tonight, this is why I freakin' love SURVIVOR, and have for ten years."

Holding true to their threats, Eddie and Malcolm both played their Immunity Idols, leaving no room for "Stealth r' Us" to even call their bluff.

And when the votes against Malcolm and Eddie's votes were negated due to the Idols that they played, even Phillip's own alliance seemed amused.

That left Phillip blindsided in his attempt to play the role of "Boston Rob," or as his name was sarcastically written on one of the ballots, "Fillup!"

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - ""I rarely leave my apartment. I rarely leave Twitter...This is the same guy that was afraid to take off his shirt the last time he played SURVIVOR""

After Corinne's surprising elimination, Phillip tried recruiting Sherri from the Fans by hitting on her and telling her that he thought she was hot.

And after assuring that she'd want absolutely nothing to do with him, he invited her into his "Spies r' Us" alliance and gave her the secret agent name Tenacity."

Wanting to keep their relationship purely physical, Sherri merely feigned interest in Phillip's offer.

"There's fake organizations, there's secret alliances, they're all crazy out here...I'm wholeheartedly in with the Fans"

At the Reward Challenge the contestants divided into two teams and play a game of water polo penalty shots, only with the shooter jumping off a dock and the goalie confined to a small platform on the water between the shooter and the goal.

As it turned out the game was probably more akin to soccer penalty kicks than water polo, as even the unathletic Cochran managed to score convincingly before a mosquito landed on his leg and he fell to the ground in agony.

The reward was a picnic lunch at the bottom of a waterfall that the winning team had to repel to get to, which Cochran did not initially seem too excited about winning.

"I rarely leave my apartment. I rarely leave Twitter...This is the same guy that was afraid to take off his shirt the last time he played SURVIVOR"

Cochran was also less than impressed with Reynold and Eddie's offer to form an all-male alliance.

"Reynold, Eddie and Michael must not know me too well if they are emphasizing the testosterone unity between us. 'We're men. We're men and we hate women, and we're gonna, you know, slap each other with towels in the locker room and chug beer.'  I don't want to be engaging in any kind of masculine tomfoolery with these numbskulls."

Malcolm seemed happy to lose the Reward Challenge, as he had free reign access to Dawn, the swing vote he needed to pull away from Phillip's alliance, since none of the other males could hit on her since they were all off on their reward picnic.

However, Dawn immediately ratted Malcolm out when he asked her to flip, firmly cementing her spot at the bottom of the Favorites Alliance.

...Sadly, that move still secured Dawn Meehan's ranking as the best Mormon to ever play the game of SURVIVOR.

Andrea and Eddie snuck off to a local lagoon to have sex, which caused Andrea to think they were dating...Just like every other skank he's taken home from "Karma" when he goes club hopping at the Jersey Shore.

The Immunity Challenge was an endurance competition where the contestants tried to remain in the water the longest with their faces pressed against a metal grate as the tide got higher and higher, like dying goldfish, only without the ceremony when they get flushed out to sea.

Ironically, former government spy Phillip could not survive the water boarding like torture, and was the first person to bow out.

Ultimately it was bikini model and former Miami Dolphin cheerleader Brenda Lowe who wound up winning Immunity.

Dawn asked Malcolm to have Reynold show her his Idol in order to go along with his plan to turn against the Favorites, all the while intending to screw them over.

Meanwhile, Reynold showed Dawn the Idol, but said "Don't screw me," warning that he'd play the Idol for himself in the event that he thought she was going to.

And even though that's exactly what Dawn intended to do, she still tried to play herself off as the victim.

"I can't stand people that intimidate other people...He looked over and said, 'If you burn me, you'll have Hell to pay,' and I feel like, shame on you."

And while Reynold is a giant douche, he made no mention whatsoever of Heaven or Hell, proving that Mormon's have to turn every conversation into a conversation about God, mountain bikes and handcrafted woodwork.

Andrea refused to fill her new boyfriend Eddie in on the Favorite Tribe's plans, at least until he told her that she might be the one targeted should they split their vote to flush out Reynold's Idol.

That sent Andrea into full scale panic mode, begging her alliance to change their vote to a safer and gayer target, Michael.

At Tribal Council, Phillip revealed that Sherri was his newest double agent in "Stealth r' Us," making her more "agent" and less "double."

Shit got real when Reynold got up to play his Immunity Idol.

That's when Malcolm told him, "Hold up a minute. They all voted for me...That's what (Phillip's) whole story was about. Give it to me, you're in good shape. I'm being dead serious right now."

Surprisingly, Reynold simply replied "Yeah," and then handed his Idol over to Malcolm, who unbeknownst to Reynold already had one of his own that he was able to save.

That immediately sent Reynold into Eric's level of stupidity in the SURVIVOR history, especially since Michael was the one the Favorites' voted out, all but wasting Reynold's Immunity Idol. 

...At least Corinne Kaplan finally got "a gay" to play with at the Jury House, whether Michael wished to be a participant in her hag fetish or not.

2013 NFL Mock Draft: 2nd Round

SECOND ROUND

33. Jacksonville Jaguars: Matt Barkley, QB, USC

34. San Francisco 49ers: Johnathan Hankins, DT, Ohio State

35. Philadelphia Eagles: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia:

36. Detroit Lions: Menelik Watson, T, Florida State

37. Cincinnati Bengals: Jonathan Cyprien, S, Florida International

38. Arizona Cardinals: Terron Armstead, T, Arkansas Pine-Bluff

39. New York Jets: Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse

40. Tennessee Titans: Damontre Moore, DE, Texas A and M:

41. Buffalo Bills: Robert Woods, WR, USC

42. Oakland Raiders: John Jenkins, DT, Georgia

43. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Kawann Short, DT, Purdue:

44. Carolina Panthers: Keenan Allen, WR, Cal

45. San Diego Chargers: Larry Worford, G, Kentucky

46. Buffalo Bills, Jamar Taylor, CB, Boise St.

47. Dallas Cowboys: D.J. Swearinger, S, South Carolina 

48. Pittsburgh Steelers: Justin Hunter, WR, Tennessee

49. New York Giants: Tank Carradine, DE, Fla. St.

50. Chicago Bears: Manti Te'O, LB, Notre Dame

51. Washington Pigskins: Johnathan Banks, CB, Mississippi St.

52. New England Patriots: Blidi Wreh-Wilson, CB, Virginia

53. Cincinnati Bengals: Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin

54. Minnesota Vikings: Kevin Minter, LB, LSU

55. Green Bay Packers: Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama

56. Seattle Seahawks: Margus Hunt, DE, SMU

57. Houston Texans: Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford

58. Denver Broncos: Arthur Brown, LB, Kansas St.

59. New England Patriots: Quinton Patton, WR, Louisiana Tech

60. Atlanta Falcons, LeVeon Bell, RB, Michigan State

61. San Francisco 49ers: Tyrann Mathieu, CB, LSU

62. Baltimore Ravens: Khaseem Green, LB, Rutgers

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I'm happy that he got to check one off the bucket list"

With the Favorites clearly in control of the game, Jeff Probst announced the merger. That left Andrea more excited than a puppy with a weak bladder when a visitor comes over. "It's exciting, but I pee on my toes."

Okay, maybe she actually said "be on my toes," but I couldn't really tell and I liked the other option much better.

Malcolm came up with the name for the new tribe, 'Enil Adam,' which he said meant "new beginning," but was really just his mom's name spelled backwards.

In an effort to change up the game, Malcolm and Corinne quickly aligned with Eddie and Reynold.

While Erik refused to discuss strategy, instead electing to use his stint on the show as a break from his stressful ice cream scooping and comic book drawing work, it was assumed that his vote would go hand in hand with Malcolm's.
The first Individual Immunity Challenge involved eating disgusting local fair. Proving that she's more than just a pretty girl, Andrea cowgirled up and swallowed shipworms whole, leaving her with a slimy mustache across her face.

However, Cochran slurped his down faster, although it probably isn't the first time that Andrea Boehlke showed off her lack of a gag reflex and then had to walk back home with nothing to show for it.

Cochran outlasted Malcolm in the final by quickly downing some pig brains, in addition to the handful of other disgusting items that he needed to eat just to reach the finals.

And while Eddie held himself back during the challenge for fear that women might hold what he ate against him in terms of his dating life...You know, because THAT's the one fault that women might see in him.

On the other hand, Cochran saw things entirely differently, thinking that his strong performance might give him "the edge" that he needs when it comes to getting lucky with the ladies.

Cochran was ecstatic to win his first ever challenge on Survivor, and did a rousing victory dance in the process, even if it meant disrespecting Malcolm a little bit.

Cochran went on to explain his celebration. "I've been waiting my whole life for this. It's going to touch my shoulders, it's going to be incredible." Then, after he got done talking about Jeff Probst's hand, he was awarded the Immunity Necklace.

Malcolm appeared a bit bitter in defeat, saying how he was glad that Cochran got to "check one off the bucket list" since he wasn't going to be sticking around the game much longer.

Corinne tried to strengthen her alliance by reaching out to Dawn, who promptly ratted her out to Phillip like any good Mormon would, just as she did with Malcolm the last time they played.

Erik was impressed with his own power as a potential swing vote, but struggled with what to do with his new found power. "I'm suddenly becoming a very valuable player, which is cool. I just wish I knew what I was going to do."

And while Malcolm, Eddie, Reynold and Corinne were convinced that they were about to make a huge move, Erik voted along with Phillip, sending Corinne home with her jaw agape nearly wide enough for her overinflated ego to fit in.

You can literally see the moment that Jeff Probst pooped in Corinne Kaplan's Easter basket as he read the votes.