Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Her mouth is not a virgin"




This week marked the fourth episode of this Ashley I. the Virgin...I mean The Bachelor.

The show began with a Group Date that was billed as "Let's do what feels natural," so logically, Ashley I. put on her hair extensions and giant fake eyelashes in order to be prepared.

The date actually consisted of a car ride in a classic "hooptie" for a camping trip to what was billed as a lake, but was more likely a lagoon, or possibly even a cesspool.


There was probably more flesh eating bacteria and brain eating amoeba floating around in that "lake" than there was in Kaitlyn Bristowe's murky bikini bottoms.

Speaking of Kaitlyn, she decided to show Chris how much she was into him by dropping trow in front of everyone.

That seemed to take care of her agenda for the day as she declared., "I mean, he saw my tush - I'm feeling a-okay now."

Not to be outdone, the self described "virgin," Ashley I proclaimed, "For some reason I'm so shy with him." She then proceeded to jump in the water topless. 

Apparently Ashley Iaconetti comes from the generation where blow jobs and anal don't count against your "virginity" card. 

Some of the classier girls were less than impressed with the Group Date. Or as Kelsey said:

"This is a date made for bimbos...This is absurd. We're kind of like in the middle of nowhere, in very muddy water. I'm from Michigan, we have beautiful lakes. You want to visit a lake, you go to Michigan, you don't visit this dingy pond...I'm trying to enjoy this hell-hole. There are moments where I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing in my eye." 

By the end of the night half of the girls were drunk on whiskey, which meant that Ashley S. was babbling on incoherently about her tinfoil panties, Mackenzie was talking about aliens, and Chris was making out with anything that would look at him.

When Ashely S. finally got some alone time with Chris she took advantage of that magic moment by asking, "What are you? What are you? What are you?...That's a moon."

Ashely S. then proceeded to kiss him mid sentence before pulling back and randomly declaring, "I don't know, I mean...I love you, I love everything about you!"

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she declared, "I don't know if Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, because I don't know if she even knows where 'here' is."

As much for her whit as her tits, Kaitlyn got the much coveted Group Date Rose and promptly declared, "This is awesome, and I'm drunk!"

In addition to her never before besmirched lady parts (at least the "front door"), Ashley I. announced that she was also a "camping virgin."

She then snuck into Chris' tent in the middle of the night, because she apparently thought that waking him up by kissing him and rubbing his junk while he was half asleep and piss drunk would be the perfect time for her to tell him that she was a virgin.

But since it was so dark, and because Chris was so far gone, he didn't even know what girl he was talking to...But he was still happy to dry hump and make-out with her.

While Chris was off on the Group Date, his three evil sisters flew into town to choose who got to go on the weeks' sole 1-on-1 Date.

Jillian was concerned about how she looked since she was passed out at the pool with her ass exposed when they arrived, noting that was not how she wanted to be dressed the first time that she met them.

So Jillian Anderson was worried about how she presented herself since it was the first time she met Chris Soules' sisters? How about being worried about being dressed like that anytime?

In a cruel twist of forbidden love, Chris' sisters decided to give the 1-on-1 Date to Jade, which was surprising given that she's originally from Nebraska, while he's from that state's bitter rival when it comes to the corn harvest, Iowa.

Fortunately for Jade, a magical troll doll came down from the heavens in order to dress and disguise her for a surprise "Royal Ball" that even Chris did not know about.

Jade's fashion "Fairy God Mother" for her "Royal Ball" date with Chris Soules.

And with Jade receiving free "glass slippers" (a/k/a designer shoes), diamonds, and a designer gown to keep...All in within earshot of the other girls in the house, things turned just a little bit ugly.

For example, Ashley I. had brought her own "fairy princess" dress with her to the show that she put on and walked around the horse while eating corn in protest of not being selected.

I liked Ashley Iaconetti better when she was "Victoria" on Big Brother last summer.

In response to Ashley I's. behavior Chelsey joked, "She going to go sit in Chris' hot tub in her dress and cry."

Worse yet, the second Group Date called for the girls to get dressed up in wedding gowns, which only served to make the girls on the date punch drunk with love, and the girls who didn't get to go on it jealous.

However, wedding dresses weren't for everyone, as the theme of that date caused Jillian to say, "I feel like I'm out of my element," but only because she was wearing clothes that actually covered up her ass and vajay-jay for the first time.

The Group Date actually turned out to be a "Tough Mudder" themed competition, before which Jillian stretched her groin to make sure she doesn't strain one of her nuts. 

Carly was either very impressed, or less than impressed with Jillian saying, "(She) should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress, that's all I'm saying...Is her dick bigger than Chris'?"

Jillian Anderson might be the only girl this season with implants...To her biceps.

Going on to win the "Tough Mudder" themed event in convincing fashion over the other girls, Jillian felt that she had accomplished all that she came on the show to do, and voluntarily agreed to go home, mainly because she doesn't like men with dicks smaller than hers.

At the Pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party Ashely I. wanted to clarify with Chris that she was the one who told him she was a virgin on the Group Date camping trip..And I stress the word "was."

Or as Chris said, "I never thought that Ashley I. was going to tell me that she was a virgin." Nor did anyone else Chris...Nor did anyone else.

Chelsey probably described Ashley Ianconetta the best by saying, "Her mouth is not a virgin."

As it turned out, Ashley I. was contagious, because Becca also tested positive for being a virgin, or at least that's what she told Chris.

That proved almost too much for someone like Kaitlyn to comprehend, who asked, "We've got two, not one, virgin in the house? I can't make this up."

Confused with Chris' motives, straight laced Britt confronted him about why he was seemingly rewarding girls who were engaging in questionable behavior, and what it meant for someone like her for who really cared about him.

Fortunately, Chris reassured Britt about her concerns by simply walking away from their conversation out of anger and announcing to the house that if anyone wanted to question his integrity, they could leave.

In the end Britt got the final rose, just to send her a message not to speak up...while Ashely S., Samantha, and Juelia were the ones who were sent packing.

And as bad as Chris has been this season with being a gentleman, he at least took Juelia (the widowed single mom he was sending home) aside and told her how special she was in a meaningful way before she left.

On the other hand, Chris didn't really say anything to Ashely S. as she left after downing a half bottle of Evan Williams and three Prozacs while muttering, "I feel nothing...Chris all I have to say to you is, 'I feel nothing!'"

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Why are you kissing everyone else too?"




The third episode of this year's version of The Bachelor began with Chris Soules hanging out with comedian and late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, you know, because they were close friends growing up together back in Iowa.

Chris Soules on his "field of queens."
 "If you build it, they will cum."

In actuality, The Bachelor producers apparently finally realized that Chris didn't quite have the personality to carry a full episode by himself, let alone a whole season, and brought in the ABC cross promotion team for reinforcements.

Things are apparently so bad that Jimmy Kimmel's appearance wasn't just limited to just a cameo, but the producers actually had him tag along on Chris' date with Kaitlyn, who seemed more than open to the thought of a threesome.

Clearly playing the role of a troublemaker, Jimmy declared "I love to make people uncomfortable."

And make people uncomfortable Jimmy did, as he flat out asked Kaitlyn if she'd be angry if she made it all the way to the end of the show and found out that Chris screwed on of the other girls in the "fantasy suite."

However, Kaitlyn proved to be a good sport, or at least that she really didn't have any real feelings for Chris when she said, "No..It part of the process, you can't take out a car without test driving it."

In the end, Kaitlyn declared that she had one of the best dates she had ever been on, not realizing that it was only fun because she was really on a date with funny man Jimmy Kimmel, and not just Chris Soules.

Jimmy even stuck around for the Group Date, which turned out to be an exercise in shucking a husk, grabbing a cock, sucking a teat, handling some shit, and wrestling around with a greased pig...Or as people in Iowa call it, "foreplay."

Amber didn't seem up for the challenge saying, "Salty and warm, it's not something I'd like in my mouth...Some girls say it tastes like protein."

Unbeknownst to Jillian, her shorts didn't cover her ass, and she ended up flashing America for the second week in a row.

And by "unbeknownst" to Jillian Anderson, I really meant, "totally planned." 

Or as Mackenzie said, "Jillian's shorts? The cows like it. That's what they're mooing at, her ass."

In the end, Carly defeated Jillian and her ass cheeks, and  took advantage of some alone time by saying, "Your a man, and I'm a woman, and I just wanted to take advantage," before smearing Chris face in lipstick to mark her territory.

Up next, or possibly fifth, Mackenzie put Chris the spot by asking, "I'm going to be blunt. So, you remember how when we kissed? Why are you kissing everyone else too?"

Unfortunately for Mackenzie, Chris answered that question by asking her, "We kissed? Which one were you again?"

And in an upset, the Group Date Rose went to Carly, who Chris may not have even made out with...but probably did.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Whitney, with whom Chris "spontaneously" decided to crash a wedding that they were totally expected to be at...Well, either that, or nobody in the wedding party seemed to notice all the cameras and crews setting up.

Fortunately, Chris and Whitney just happened to have their tux and formal attire with them, which turned out to be totally lucky and a complete coincidence.

As it turned out, Whitney is the girl who's totally infatuated with the thought of getting married, which:
1) Explained why she was so into crashing the wedding and pretending that she was Chris' fiance, and 
2) Was totally awesome for Chris, or any other guy who's trying to date at least one woman while still declaring himself a "bachelor."

At the end of the night, Chris took his love back to his room to make out, and do whatever else any other guy would do with someone who's desperate to engaged after going to a romantic wedding.

Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel

And after Chris got done showering with Jimmy Kimmel the next morning, he was ready to deal with the women again, with it being announced that the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party had been cancelled and that there would be a pool party instead.

Juelia tried her best to lift Chris' spirits by telling him all about her ex husband's suicide, while Britt marked her territory by putting her lipstick all over his face.

Jillian, who once again accidentally forgot to cover her ass, decided to wait things out in Chris' hot tub, where Chris was going to sped some alone time with Jade, with whom he had just made out with.

Okay, at this point I'm starting to wonder whether or not Jillian Anderson is trying to show her ass to America on purpose. 

In addition to Jillian's ass, Ashley I., Megan and Mackenzie all also decide to crash Chris' hot tub date.

Feeling insecure, Ashley I. left the hot tub saying, "I hope I kiss him again, because that would make me feel better," almost as if Chris' mouth was a half gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Fortunately, Ashely I. made it happen by grabbing Chris and dry humping his face, which was good enough to earn her the last rose of the night.

Virgin or not, with the best ass in the house, Chris isn't sending Ashley I. home quite yet, especially when she comes across like she puts out. 

Sadly, Chris sent Amber, the sole black girl this year, home...Not because she was black, but so she could be with her people on Martin Luther King Day when the episode first aired.

Despite Chris' thoughtfulness, Amber seemed bitter saying, "He didn't even get to know me that much," which was odd considering that Chris made it a point to make out with every other girl in the house before sending any one of them home.

Chris also parted ways with Tracy, the teacher from California, as well as Trina, who managed to stay so sober this week that I didn't even realize who she was when she was sent packing.


Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "I feel like I'm at the Mesa Verde!"




The second episode of The Bachelor began with the aftermath of Kimberly refusing to leave after getting eliminated at the first Rose Ceremony.

Or as Kaitlyn not so politely asked, "What is she doing here? Remember two minutes ago when he said goodbye to you?"

And with all of the other girls talking about Kimberly in similar fashion while giving her their best bitter bitch faces, Chris Harrison gave Chris Soules the green light to keep her around if he so wanted.

Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel...I just want to know where Chris' hands are at, and whether or not he made out with him too. 

Wanting to keep as many girls around to make-out with as humanly possible in one episode, Chris decided to let her stay, much to the delight of the other women, who all welcomed her back into the house with open arms.

The first Group Date was announced with a card that simply said "Show me your country."

While Jillian and Megan were not selected to go on that date, they took it as an opportunity to break into Chris' room, with Megan using that opportunity to put on Chris' motorcycle helmet on and ram her head into nearly every solid object possible.

Meanwhile, Jillian Anderson apparently misunderstood the date card that said "Show me your country" to mean, "Show me your cunt."

The Group Date actually turned out to be a pool party, with the country part coming into to play when Chris moved the date to the streets of Los Angeles for a bikini themed tractor race...

And while Ashley I. won the race and received some extra time with Chris, Mackenzie earned the coveted Group Date Rose by using her time with Chris to discuss important subjects like whether or not he believed in aliens.

Even Chris seemed to acknowledge that Mackenzie was stupid as he said, "The fact that she's talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me."

However, the fact that he still gave her the Group Date Rose raised a few red flags about Chris.

The first 1-on-1 date of the season went to Megan, who got take a trip with Chris to the bottom of the Grand Canyon in a helicopter that was surprisingly not the "Batch-Copter."

No word yet on whether there's been an official breakup, or they're just going through some ordinal mechanical problems.

Megan was much more subdued than her break-in to Chris' room after her head injuries, almost to the extent that she was boring, but that didn't stop him from making out with her.

Better yet, Megan became the first girl of the season to declare that she was falling for Chris.

The second Group Date of the episode was billed as "'Til death do us part," which was slightly tasteless considering that the two widows, Kelsey and Juelia, were both selected to go along.

The date actually turned out to be a game of paintball, where the girls got to shoot at crazy creatures...like zombies and Ashley S.

And if there was any doubt that Ashley S. wasn't bat shit crazy after she spent half the opening episode in the garden of good onions and evil pomegranates, she removed it during the Group Date when babbled on incoherently about the likes of shooting the other girls and ancient Puebloans.

"I feel like I'm in the the Mesa Verde...The Mesa Verde."

By that point the girls were all starting to realize that Ashley S. had been  Amanda Bynes.

Or as Amber said, "I can't quite put my finger on it, but she's not all there."

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she contemplated the prospect of Ashley S. somehow receiving the Group Date Rose.

"I think she'd actually eat the rose...She doesn't hide it for a second. She's like I'm here, I'm crazy!"

And that alone is probably why Kaitlyn earned the Group Date Rose...Well that, in addition to putting herself out there as being easy.

Even Chris seemed to know that something was up, as instead of trying to make out with her, he delicately asked Ashley S., "How are you doing? Are you holding up okay?"

Unfortunately, Ashley S. was too far gone too even fake being half way sane, as she matter of factly replied, "No, I don't even know what you're asking me," and then went back to talking to stray cats as if they were people.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, self proclaimed virgin Ashley I. had Chris rub her belly button ring in order to be granted three wishes...The first of which must have been having her dry hump him right then and there on the couch.

College student Jordan seemed to start the day drunk, and seemed to get worse at the cocktail party, which only fueled her with more "stupid juice."

In the end, the final rose went to Ashley S. in a decision that was likely in large part driven by ratings.

In fact, Chris hardly seemed to be able to keep a straight face as he called her name.

And while Chris understandably sent drunk girls Jordan and Tara home, Alissa and Kimberly also were left empty handed.

Alissa was surprisingly sent home by Chris Soules in favor of Ashley S...And while I'm not a Steelers fan by any stretch of the imagination, Alissa Giambrone might have made my final three by virtue of this photo alone. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Every person you meet is like an onion, you peel them back layer by layer"




The new season of Farmersonly.com is upon us.

Wait, what's that? It's actually still called The Bachelor?

In any event, we all know by now that Chris Soules is a farmer from Iowa, and unlike Andi Dorfman, we know that he really is in search of true love, mainly because there's not much that farmers can do to advance their careers on national TV.

And for those of you who thought that I was being harsh on her last season, Andi acted as if she was all about Josh Murray at this season's red carpet premier, only to promptly call off their engagement just one day later.

At the beginning of the episode we learned that Chris' family started farming with just 40 acres and a mule approximately four generations ago.

However, they managed to parlay that into to nearly 6000 perfectly flat acres of corn and soybeans...with just a few marijuana plants thrown in for good measure to help them make ends meet.

But enough about Chris, let's get to the important part...All the crazy bitches!

This season began by teasing us with previews of more girls wearing yoga pants than you would find during a Saturday morning shopping excursion to your local Target.

We also found out from the contestants' bios that there is nothing that girls fear more than going out on a date with a guy that they might like and coming down with explosive diarrhea, or worse yet, having the guy eat less food than they do at dinner.

As the girls arrived, we were reminded that The Bachelor only brings out the worst kinds of women that that there are when it comes to dating..Professional cheerleaders, aspiring models/actresses, and born again virgins.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelor.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Kelsey Poe - The "I'm probably not cut out for reality TV" girl.

Kelsey is absolutely adorable in a "she's not trying to make herself look all Hollywood" kind of way...And that's a good thing. I just have two questions about Kelsey:
1. Can she handle the pressure of being around snarky bitches who are all trying to date the same guy that she is?
2. Is she ready to date again after being widowed at the age of 28?
I'm not sure that Kelsey's not in over her head with these girls..and once again, that's a good thing. If she proves to be up to the challenge, I've got her as my front-runner.

Kelsey Poe reminds me a lot of Emily Maynard...That is, without the little retarded kid and the stink of NASCAR drivers all over her lady parts.

Britt Nilsson - The "first impression" girl.

Britt immediately caught the attention of Chris, and earned the much coveted First Impression Rose. Britt seems like she's religious, fairly educated, well grounded and altruistic...Which makes me wonder, why is she working as a waitress in Hollywood?

Britt Nilsson

Jillian Anderson - The "what's wrong with this girl," girl.

A news producer, a Washington Pigskin cheerleader, and possible fitness competitor, Jillian Anderson seems just a little too good to be true. In fact, I have to wonder why she has to resort to going on a reality TV show to find a man when she lives in a town like Washington, D.C.

Jillian Anderson: My guess it's either explosive diarrhea or her crossed eyes. 

Amanda Goerlitz - The "completely delusional" girl.

Amanda Goerlitz is a wanna be pageant girl/ballet instructor who lives with her mother, doesn't cook or clean, and has one of the worst cases of "crazy eyes" that I've ever seen on a show known for having girls with "crazy eyes." On top of that, she wondered why she didn't get a Rose from Chris saying, "I'm going home on the first day. That was never expected in the slightest."

Essentially Amanda Goerlitz is the female version of Chris Bukowski. Sadly, he'll probably think he's too good for her when they meet on Bachelor in Paradise.

Whitney Bischoff - A fertility nurse from Kentucky, Whitney lists herself as "conservative," but says that she'll "try anything once."

Unfortunately for Chris, that means Whitney Bischoff tried it in the corn hole once, but didn't like it...Go Big Blue!!!

Mackenzie Deonigi - The "single mom."

In a game of "Guess whether she was drunk or just stupid," Mackenzie boldly stated that "roses are red, like life jackets." Furthermore, this single mom may have problems adjusting to life on the farm after getting confused about the crops that Chris is growing. "What's alfalfa? Never heard of it...Is it organic?"


Mackenzie Deonigi...I wish her hair started lower. 

Ashley Iaconetti - The "I'm saving myself for marriage" girl.

A freelance journalist who has covered the New York Jets, when Ashley Iaconetti was asked what she would do to try and impress a man she replied, "Make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football with him because that would be fun for me and him."

Does that sound too good to be true? Unfortunately, Ashley Iaconetti is still a virgin...Then again, maybe that is too good to be true. 

Tara Eddings - "The drunk redneck" girl.

Tara's bio pretty much said it all when she noted, "I love it when my date opens the truck door for me." Sure enough, Tara came out of the limo to great Chris wearing Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots instead of a cocktail dress, much to the horror of all the pageant queen girls.

And while Tara did go back and change into a dress to show Chris that she could in fact pretty herself up, by the end of the night she was so drunk she could barely stand up at the Rose Ceremony.

That caused Chris to actually walk away from the Rose Ceremony and tell Chris Harrison, "I was going to pick her, but she's like 'wasted' drunk." However, that didn't stop him from giving her a rose, as Chris apparently thought the purpose of coming on the show was to find a girl to take home from the bar, and not a future wife.

A sport fishing guide in Florida, when Tara Eddings said, "Chris got to see the real me," I'm not sure if she was referring to how she acted when she was drunk, her ass, or the really bad tattoo that she revealed in her backless dress.  

Amber James - The "black" girl.

Even though Chris Soules is a white farmer from Iowa, he's contractually obligated by ABC to keep the token black girl around for at least 3 episodes to avoid any lawsuits.

Either Amber James is a closet hipster who dressed up like Donna Martin for Halloween last year to be ironic, or she never watched the original 90210 and was doomed to repeat the mistakes of Donna's past. Sadly, I'm guessing that Tori Spelling lived her life in vain. 

Ashley Salter - "The bat-shit crazy" girl.

When Ashley not compared meeting people to onions saying, "Every person you meet is like an onion, you peel them back layer by layer," it wasn't what she said as much as how she said it. Shortly thereafter she began to search the back yard for onions like she was at an Easter egg hunt for crazy people. Ashley S. then went to have a conversation with a pomegranate tree as an off camera producer could be heard scolding her "NO," almost as if she was a dog looking to pee on it.

Ashley Salter: Honestly, all girls who wear sparkly headbands are just labeling themselves as schizophrenic. 

Kaitlyn Bristowe - The "slutty" girl.

Kaitlyn made her intentions known to Chris when she got out of the limo and immediately told him, "I know that you're a farmer, and I want you to know that you can plow my field anytime."

Kaitlynn Bristowe also made it clear to Chris that she wanted to have sex with him. 

Becca Tilley - The "wanna be Southern socialite" girl. 

Becca lists "Staying and living alone in California when my sister and brother-in-law went back home to Louisiana" as her greatest accomplishment. Of course, her sister is married to former San Diego Charger and LSU star Jacob Hester, so Becca was clearly "losing" to her sister in the status department prior to coming on The Bachelor.


Becca Tilley: Only in the South is auctioning off one of your daughters on reality TV considered favorable to your family's social status. 

Tandra Steiner - The "trying too hard to be rebellious" girl.

Living in Salt Lake City, Tandra Steiner is trying just a little to hard to be rebel against the Mormon culture by becoming a biker chick, when in reality all she needed to do was have a glass of Mountain Dew or live in the same apartment complex as a man....Needless to say, Tandra didn't end up getting a rose.

Tandra Steiner: Chris might be a farmer from Iowa, but he's pretty metrosexual for a farmer from Iowa. If he's into motorcycles, I'm guessing he's more of a crotch rocket than a Harley kind of guy. 


Brittany Fetkin - The "I'm trying to hype my career" girl.

Honestly, Brittany is quite beautiful, but I don't know if there's any guy who doesn't wear Ed Hardy t-shirts who would feel comfortable dating a WWE "Diva in Training," which is probably why she didn't get a rose from Chris.

I have little doubt that Brittany Fetkin is going to drive teenage boys absolutely wild in the WWE...That is, until she marries and gets murdered by a physically abusive wrestler with a prescription drug problem.

Bo Stanley - The "big" girl.

A professional surfer, Bo is also a "plus sized" model, which means you automatically don't make it to the second episode. 


If Bo Stanley is "plus sized," then Janice Dickenson had too much plastic surgery. 

Carly Waddell - The "reality TV legacy" girl. 

The sister of former Bachelorette contestant Zak Waddell, who was Desiree's season. Carly is currently a cruise ship singer, which means that her audition for American Idol didn't go so well. 


Carly Waddell, clearly singing "On the Good Ship Lolipop," but making it her own.

Kara Grey Wilson - The "born again virgin" girl.

Kara has apparently found God after years of whoring it up like __. In fact, Kara claims that she's not even going to kiss a guy until she gets married, so take that Ashley I! Then again, neither one of them may ever get a second date going forward, let alone any attention from a guy just looking to sleep with women on a reality TV show.


Sadly, I've been to this same crappy little mall that Kara Wilson is singing at. I instantly recognized it as the mall in Ashland, KY from this video, and that's not a good thing...for her career, or mine.
                                         

Jade Roper - The "former Playboy Playmate."

Wearing a sexy dress that exposed everything but her boobs, Chris seemed immediately attracted to Jade. And why not, as she's a former Playboy Playmate.

While she currently lists her career as a "cosmetics developer," I have a hard time believing that a conservative guy from Iowa like Chris will be able to accept Jade Roper's past history as a Playboy Model...But I'm still betting that she makes it to the Fantasy Suite dates!

Kimberly Sherbach - The "refused to go home" girl.

While Kimberly, a yoga instructor from Long Island, was not initially given a rose, she came back into the house after she was initially thought to have left to talk to Chris about not getting a rose.

That left Chris Harrison to say in a gratuitous teaser, "Wait a minute, women who don't get roses are supposed to go home, right? Find out next week!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "This is why I love fairy tales, because they always have happy endings, and the wicked step mother never wins"



The season's final episode kicked off with Jaclyn getting a dose of "be careful of what you wish for," as Jon was blindsided and left her to fending for herself in the game.

Jaclyn was none too happy with her former ally, Natalie, and she went off on her for talking bad about Jon.

"I don't see people ever - ever, in real life saying bad things about Jon...and I just snapped, I went off on Natalie."

Meanwhile, Baylor started crying about making a big move and keeping her mother out of the loop, who was now confined to a cast due to her prior ankle injury.

The last Reward Challenge of the season saw the contestants navigate a rope maze, build a bridge, and then use sandbags to knock down a pyramid of blocks, all for an advantage at the next Immunity Challenge.

With Jaclyn falling hard on her ass right on a block of wood, Jeff Probst exclaimed, "THAT, WILL, LEAVE, A, MARK!"

Keith wound up winning the reward, which turned out to be a practice session for the Immunity Challenge. Keith also had to pick a person to send to Exile Island, and he picked Jaclyn, who melted down as soon as she got there.

With Keith having won the advantage for the Immunity Challenge, the girls all plotted to vote him out in the event that he didn't win.

The Immunity Challenge saw the competitors use paddles to balance and navigate a series of three balls through a wire course without letting them drop.

Keith used his practice time to his advantage and took an early lead, and wound up winning. That lead the girls to cannibalize themselves back at camp in trying to figure out which one would be eliminated.

Keith argued that it was Jaclyn's turn to go home, while Baylor lobbied Natalie to use the Hidden Immunity Idol on her mom since it was the last vote at which it could be played.

However, Natalie seemed to be keeping her options open heading into the vote, and in a move to split up the last remaining couple, Natalie gave her Idol to Jaclyn at Tribal Council.

Ironically for Baylor, who found the Idol with Natalie, that saved Jaclyn from sure elimination and lead to Baylor getting blindsided when the votes against Jaclyn didn't count.

However, Baylor was a good sport about it saying, "I'm not mad at Natalie, that was a really good move."

That left Natalie, Keith, Jaclyn and Missy in the final four.

Surprisingly, Missy was cool with the move back at camp, mainly because she was secretly happy to say that she beat her daughter.

The Final Immunity Challenge consisted of an obstacle course that finished with a puzzle that was worthy of Scott Baio in his athletic prime during Battle of the Network Stars.



With Missy unable to compete due to her ankle, Jaclyn came from behind and won Immunity despite being so exhausted she could barely open the bags to her puzzle pieces, guaranteeing her a spot in the Final Three.

Sure enough, Jaclyn saw winning Immunity as an opportunity to make Jon jealous, almost as if she was showing him an expensive present she received from another boyfriend.

"Jon is going to die when he sees me wearing the necklace today, I can't wait!"

Jaclyn considered blindsiding Natalie even though she saved her at the previous Tribal Council, and pitched the idea to Missy.

Missy was more than receptive saying, "a), She voted out my kid, b), Keep talking."

At Tribal Council, Natalie seemed defeated, but it was all just a ploy to keep Keith comfortable.

And in the end it was Keith who was sent packing, leaving Natalie and Missy to join Jaclyn in an all female final three.

At the Final Tribal Council before the Jury, Jaclyn positioned herself as jumping from alliance to alliance finishing Jon's game.

Natalie claimed that she played the better game because she "outwit" both Missy and Jaclyn, and outlasted the others by playing without her loved one since day three.

Meanwhile, Missy plead her case by playing the loyalty card and outlasting the others on the Jury despite breaking her foot.

For the Jury Questions, Jon sent his fiance Jaclyn a softball, asking her about the biggest move she was solely responsible for, which was voting Josh out.

Keith called Natalie out for constantly lying to him and the other Jury Members, while Baylor, who is clearly positioning herself for a career in country music, just wanted to talk to her mom about the series of men who had come in and out of their lives and screwed them over.

Surprisingly, Baylor Wilson's new song "Blindsides and Broken Ankles" is not about her appearance with her mom on Survivor, it's the story of  growing up with a mom who married and divorced three different abusive men in a Texas trailer park.

Reed dramatically painted Missy's self described motherly role into really being that of a "wicked stepmother," favoring her natural child over the rest of her "family," and keeping "the help" (those who were not in her alliance) from going to the Ball (the Final Tribal Council)."

Reed went on to say, "This is why I love fairy tales, because they always have happy endings, and the wicked step mother never wins," as Baylor broke down in tears.

Ironically, that's exactly what Clay Aiken said to Reed Kelly when he broke up with him. 

After the Jury had voted, Jeff Probst drove back to the United States on a jet ski for a live show in L.A. to announce the winner.

In the end, Natalie won the Jury vote, making her the fattest Cross Fit instructor to ever win the game.


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "I get to give her her own personal spa day."



This week's episode began with Jon and Jaclyn shocked after Natalie changed her vote at Tribal Council to take out Alec instead of Keith as they all had planned.

To cover for herself, Natalie lied to her alliance and said that she thought they told her to split her vote for Alec instead of Keith, and blamed it all on a misunderstanding.

The Reward Challenge saw the competitors compete for a day at the spa by dividing into two teams and racing through a maze while belted together, filling a bucket of water to lower a gate, and then solving a puzzle.

Mistaking the first obstacle for a single man with a history of domestic abuse, Missy fell into it face first.

And while Missy, Keith and Jon won day spa reward in a a very close match, Jon threw everyone off when he asked, "Did I say I was going to go?

And when I said everyone, I meant his girlfriend Jaclyn, who was none too pleased when Jon announced that he was giving his reward up to Baylor under he rationale that she needed a mother-daughter experience with Missy.

I'm not saying that Jaclyn Schultz is high maintenance...but she is. 

Meanwhile, Natalie agreed to go to Exile Island, leaving Jon and Jaclyn all alone to fight at camp, almost as if they were still back home in Michigan.

Realizing that Jaclyn was pissed, Jon tried to make blow jobs out lemons of by saying, "I get to give her her own personal spa day," which is usually only the case when your girlfriend isn't pissed at you...and you bought her some really expensive jewelry.

While she was at the Spa, Missy's ankle began to swell up, which was odd considering that she hit her head during the Reward Challenge, but we'll just blame that confusion on a concussion.

The Immunity Challenge began with Natalie returning from Exile Island exhausted and crying, Missy struggling with her painful ankle and crying, and Jaclyn crying just because she's Jaclyn.

Jeff Probst decided to have medical take a look at Missy's ankle before the challenge. Unfortunately, the Survivor medical staff consists of little more than witch doctors and chiropractors, so there was little that they could come up with aside from a sprained ankle and a misaligned spine.

And while that diagnosis allowed Missy to stay in the game, everyone began crying...Mainly because that diagnosis allowed Missy to stay in the game.

The Immunity Challenge itself had the players stand on pegs while reaching up with town hands and using a rope to balance a vase and keeping it from falling.

Jon ended up losing to Natalie in the finals, giving her both Immunity and a guaranteed spot in the final five.

And while Jon thought he was safe despite Natalie's win, her secret plan was to blindside him. However, Missy was reluctant to go along with Natalie, as she didn't want to betray Jon or Jaclyn.

Tribal Council began with Keith lobbying the Alliance of Five to split up before Jeff Probst could even ask anyone a question, as he said, "I'm trying" in response to Jeff Probst's inquiry about shaking up the game.

Unfortunately, Jaclyn jinxed everything for Jon when she said, "All I can say is that I feel strong in the five, so I don't think Jon and I are going anywhere," as the Jury and Baylor looked on in amazement at her stupidity.

Every guy has to pay a price for having a hot girlfriend, and he price Jon Misch had to pay was not winning Survivor...But hey, what girl isn't worth a million dollars? 

Equally naive, Jon even admitted out loud that he'd been thinking about his final two speech quite a bit.

Sure enough, Jon decided not to play his Hidden Immunity Idol, and the vote ended up tied at two between Keith, Jon and Jaclyn.

That was all Jon needed to see to know that he was fucked, and was eliminated on the re-vote.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Did you just call her a brat? That's my kid!"



This week's episode began with Reed scrambling after Keith inadvertently outed his plan to blindside Jon at Tribal Council by blurting out to him, "Stick to the plan."

Jon, on the other hand patted himself on the back and proclaimed, "That was the best blindside sniff out, ever!"

For a backup linebacker, Jon Misch is starting to get just a little too full of himself. 

However, Natalie and Jaclyn were not as impressed.

Natalie was pissed that Jon overlooked the fact that she was the one who told him to play his Idol at Tribal Council even though he didn't think he needed to.

Jaclyn, on the other hand, seemed pissed that Jon assumed that he would make the finals over her.

The Reward Challenge involved a series of questions about the competitors, with each contestant who correctly answered a question getting to chop one of three ropes of a fellow competitor to drop a stump on their skull and end their game.

With the winner getting a horseback ride, BBQ and brownies, it also served to show the pecking order not only among the competitors in general, but within their alliances as well.

Reed's skull was crushed first, and Keith, who also went early, said to Reed, "It shows you where we stand."

With Jon, Jaclyn, Natalie, Missy and Baylor all discussing who to cut next, Jeff told them to cut the BS and just pick who they wanted to win.

To make things easy, or boring if you were actually watching on television, they all just quit playing and agreed on Missy as the winner. Jon even volunteered to go to Exile Island, and Missy chose Baylor to go with her on the reward.

With Jaclyn left out of the reward Reed said, "We like her a lot," trying to sway her over to his alliance.  

Bu when Baylor stood up for her mom by snapping, "You like everybody Reed," Reed took things a little too far when he said, "I'm a people person Baylor, you're a brat."

That set off Missy's "Momma bear instinct," which was surprisingly absent when she married several abusive step fathers, as she replied, "Excuse me!? Did you just call her a brat? That's my kid!"

Missy then scolded Reed by saying, "Why don't you listen for once, shut your mouth," before adding, "Forget it, it's not worth it. He can't listen."

With her boyfriend Jon at Exile Island, Jaclyn spent her alone time back at camp time flirting with Alec. Meanwhile, an exhausted Jon found the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Of course, denied any impure intentions towards his buddy Jon's girlfriend...Well, kind of.

"There's like no girl I'd take on a date on Survivor, you know what I'm saying? Unless you're going to go on a date with me."

Alec went on to add, "Jaclyn is a cool chick. I like Jaclyn a lot. It's just kind of like cream cheese. You know you can't hurt many things with putting cream cheese on it."

Not every girl will let you put your cream cheese on her, but Jaclyn Schultz didn't seem to rule it out with Alec. 

However, Jaclyn was still pissed she didn't get to go on the reward, and she was egged on by Reed, Alec and Keith around camp, who all gave her an extra large bowl of rice just to kiss her ass.

The Immunity Challenge had the competitors one by one try to roll balls onto a paddle and simultaneously balance six of them at one time, with Keith winning in the end.

After returning from Exile exhausted, Jon understandably just wanted to see his girlfriend naked. Unfortunately, like most girls, Jaclyn just wanted to talk, so the two began to argue.

Trying to reach a deal to stay in the game, Keith approached Jon and Jaclyn with a proposed final three deal.

However, Jon was non-receptive and arrogantly scolded Keith by saying, "Nobody's willing to go to the final three with me, don't give me that B.S!"

That caused Jon's girlfriend, Jaclyn, to console Keith by saying, "I just got yelled at too."

However, when Natalie walked up, Jon surprisingly began winking at Keith...He also secretly indicated that he'd be willing to work with him.

For her own selfish reasons, Jaclyn went into full diva mode and stopped talking to her boyfriend Jon heading into Tribal Council, mainly because he had talked to Missy instead of her after SHE had stopped talking to him...Also, did I mention that Missy is like 60?

This is actually on e of those rare situations where someone like Jon Misch could actually do a lot better than Jaclyn Schultz. 

Jaclyn's tantrum freaked Reed the fuck out since his game depended on Jon and herself making a decision to flip and join him.

And while Jon was understandably freaked out about Jaclyn's refusal to talk to him, he was even more concerned about who she was actually talking to.

"My big problem is that we have a Tribal Council tonight and that my girlfriend is not on the same page as I am, and that refused to talk to me. Not a good time for that...That could be my only time to talk before Tribal, and Jaclyn is over there flirting with Alec."

At Tribal Council, Missy accused Alec of flirting with Jaclyn.

That caused Jon to slyly ask, "Jaclyn, would you agree with that?"

And after she just smiled and said, "I mean, I don't know," Jaclyn went on to admit that she was all butt hurt by not getting chosen by Missy to go along for the reward.

With that, Jaclyn ultimately stuck with the plan, and Reed was voted out, and Jon and Jaclyn made up after Tribal Council.

After Tribal Council, in what turned out to be a double episode, Alec was rightfully worried.

"Tribal got kind of heated tonight. Everyone thinks I'm a pig, flirt, but that is a sick joke. If I wanted to flirt with any of these girls here, I would, but I would never do that."

The week's second Reward Challenge had the players reach overhead to pin a ball against a post with a wooden spool while balancing on one foot.

Natalie kept her ball up the longest, and won reward, consisting of an overnight stay in a nice bed and room service in the form of chicken Parmesan and wine...all while at camp, and in front of everyone else.

While Natalie elected to take Jaclyn and Jon along with her, her true intention was to make Jon feel safe so she could blindside him.

Natalie didn't seem to like Jaclyn much either saying, "She's such a little punk."

At camp Natalie and Baylor wanted to blindside Jon.

Keith also wanted to target Jon and Jaclyn for his pet peeve, people who sleep to much, and I'm guessing the fact that they got to spend the entire day in a king sized bed at camp in front of him was just too much for him to take.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to use a rope to balance blocks that they set up on a table without knocking any over as they walked back and forth from that table to find more blocks to stack.

Jon won Immunity, which freed him up to give his Idol to Jaclyn, which was good for him since he picked up on what he called a "negative vibe" from his alliance around camp.

With Jon having won Immunity, Natalie and Baylor scrambled for a contingency plan, as they had planned on blindsiding their alliance member.

Natalie peed in Baylor's cornflakes by saying that she wanted to target Alec, with whom Baylor had flirted in what they described as a "Brother-Sister" relationship...if only the brother and sister each secretly wanted to do each other.

Baylor Wilson: Family reunions are so much better in the South.

However, Natalie peed in Baylor's cornflakes when she told her that she wanted to vote out Alec.

At Tribal Council, a rat scurried across the set, causing Natalie to scream and Alec to declare that he was hungry enough to eat it.

Alec may have got his wish, because in the end he was voted out. That left Jon and Missy looking shocked, not realizing that Natalie and Baylor had organized a shocking blindside of the second weakest player in the game.

But don't worry about Alec, as he left saying, "I didn't win, but at least I beat Drew," in reference to his brother having left earlier than he did, which was really the only thing he cared about...That is, aside from Jaclyn.